tonight...

i'm alone. i'm listening to beautiful music. i'm listening to beautiful music on a beautiful night. your daddy visits every few. He lets me know that even though I need to be alone right now (because I do, and you will too) that he's not too far if I ever need to bury my face in his chest. I'm such a lucky girl.

This evening I made spaghetti and meatballs per your request (Dylan and Elijah). Then we had a dance party. Not your typical "Boom Boom Pow" dance party haha, but the kind where we had dance partners and we asked politely if you minded if we cut in...

Dylan and I started the whole thing, then Elijah and Cecilia started dancing together as a couple on their own.

Oh my Lord. My two littles love each other. They have a genuine love for one another. They laugh together and play together and chase each other around my "pretties room." They get in trouble together. They fight. They are closer than I ever even imagined they'd be. I always thought Dylan and Eli would be for each other and Cecilia would just be for me. I have now realized I'm not in the equation and they are all for them.

Eli and Ceya- I don't know what your future holds. But I want you to know, that you have brought so much joy to my heart. You have such an innocent love for one another. You are how I imagined our lives to be. I know you are only 3 and 2. I know you have a lifetime a head of you. I know I can not foresee the future, but for RIGHT NOW... what I've seen in the past year....you are beautiful. You are best friends. You are what I wished I always had. You are perfection.

I love you both.

Dylan, I love you too. ;) You are a whole 'blog' of your own.

this little light of mine

We are home. We were discharged on Day +19. We've been home for quite some time, but I can't remember much other than it's been hard.  I haven't felt up to typing much so all of my Elijah updates have been on Facebook. I've been going through spurts of being super mom, but for the most part come up quite short. I feel like when I actually do sleep that I am dead to the world. I thought about taking some Zoloft, but decided maybe I just really need God instead. Or should at least try it out. Adam is busy studying to get his CCDE. He seems like he's in a bit of a fog as well. Dylan has regressed. He has been having accidents which is so completely uncharacteristic of him. He slept walk a few days ago. That was terrifying. Cecilia is emotional, and I feel like our bond isn't as strong and that makes my heart oh so very sad. Faye is doing well. She has cut 6 teeth this month, started crawling, eating food, started babbling, and sleeping through the night.

I might sound really Debbie Downer, and I might actually be or today is just the 11 year anniversary of when my mom passed away. To cancer. I hate you, Cancer.

The Butterfly walk is this weekend, and I'm a little nervous that it's going to be really emotional and that I'm going to be a mess. Keep it together, Zinser.

Okay, that really drained me. I'm done.