Today I heard my son say that he needed me. As he said those words his face turned purple, his body started convulsing as he vomited into a sterile plastic bucket, my daughter cried at my feet, and I didn't feel or hear him breathe for way too long. I went from sitting in the chair next to him to looking in his face, panicked because I wasn't sure if I was imagining this or if it were real. Is his face usually this color? Is he coughing because he is just choked up or is he coughing because something is wrong? What did he eat? What did he last get? I said with urgency, "Go get someone."
No one moved. I said it again, and still no one moved. Finally, all the lights were flashing and the alarms were going off and a nurse burst in to our room and said "what do you need?" And I said "He's not breathing." A lot more calmly than I'd ever imagined I'd be. Why wasn't I panicking? I felt the tears. I felt the sting. I felt myself shaking. I felt myself wanting to hold him and scream somebody MOVE! My child isn't breathing! There is no air! We are both suffocating. MOVE!
We survived. As we all do. As we all will. An epi pen saves the day again. Can I just have one of those in my purse at all times? I feel like maybe that'd be a good idea. For all moms. For all people. I mean, can I just have one for when I'm feeling like I can't breathe? It happens all too often. My chest feels heavy, my lungs won't fill, I feel as though I'm going blue and no one is moving. Give me an epi pen. Maybe then I'll come to. Maybe then I'll be able to breathe again.
