grief does not change you. it reveals you.

I just finished the new teen sensation, "The Fault in our Stars." It was alright, I appreciate it for what it was, but obviously rolled my eyes through parts of it because I'm so mature and all...*enter here universal symbol for sarcasm that we don't have, but should*.....oooookay! who am I kidding?! I loved it! I'm a sucker.  The novel is about a young girl who has cancer who meets a boy - love story ensues. While reading this book not only did I enjoy the gushy stuff, but I also felt like I was on the inner circle. The cancer club, if you will. I was allowed to laugh at the jokes and cry - cry and mean it. I knew what all the lingo meant. I felt special in a way? A truly screwed up way. When it takes your mother and threatens your child it becomes more. It's no longer an idea, but a hideous dark figure gazing at you from the corner of the room and closely following you upon your exit (picture Zelda here) -  threatening your sanity, your marriage, your will to live, your family. You know what I say to him? Today, I say screw you. You scare the shit out of me, but there's no way I'm backing down. I'm too stubborn. Now I have Tom Petty in my head. And I feel like a cliché. Haha. Tomorrow I might not be as ballsy. Or lame.

Elijah has been doing well with the Busulfan. So far no nausea and he has a ton of good energy. By good energy I mean that there are less than 4 major temper tantrums a day and lots of giggling and playing. We've been building puzzles, playing with play doh, coloring, and playing Jake and The Neverland Pirates. So much fun. He's eating fairly well, but we did go ahead and put the NG tube back in which broke my heart and his spirits a bit yesterday. We decided to go ahead because I am giving him about 6 oz of my breast milk daily (something that will help protect him from some infections and help him heal a little more quickly) and also one of his meds is just downright gross and tube means one less power struggle. I hate the tube and he does too, but I know this is for the best right now. Especially because he is going to want to stop eating here so on once the mucositis sets in. So far, so good. 

I'm soaking up the smiles while I can. Much love to you all.